Assault and Blattery

Mr Sepp Blatter
Fédération Internationale de Football Association
FIFA-Strasse 20
P.O. Box 8044 Zurich
Switzerland

29 May 2015

Dear Mr Blatter

Firstly, congratulations on the retention of your presidency of FIFA.  Personally, I’m mightily pleased; I’m not sure that I could have approached the Jordanian fella with my issue.  He doesn’t look entirely cuddly and grandfatherly like you do (which, I’d hazard, is probably the secret to your continued tenure).

Anyway, I hope you don’t mind me writing, but I was out with my mate from next door this evening; having a couple of pints of Spitfire at The Woodpecker, when he outlined his dilemma to me; the timeliness of your re-election, despite some of the scurrilous rumours that surround it, has prompted me to drop you a line.

My friend has a ten-year-old who is deeply passionate about the game of football.  He’s never out of the garden, constantly knocking his balls against the fence, pretending he’s scoring the winner in a World Cup final at Wembley (which as you and I both know is hardly likely to happen on your watch, but that’s an altogether different issue).  Yet despite his efforts, he remains resolutely useless.  I’ve seen dachshunds exercise more control over a football than the lad next door, but I don’t want to break his or his father’s heart in pointing out the obvious.

The boy is desperate to get a place in the AFC Newbury under 11 squad, but just can’t get a look in.  Admittedly, it’s a very good side; they’ve just won the Under 11 Colts PHYL (Peter Houseman Youth League) & League Cup "double", the Under 10 League Cup the year before and another double as Under 9s in 2012-13; nice kids too, they were also Fair Play Winners that year.  But despite them being lovely, there’s no way they’re going to make room for the talentless (albeit enthusiastic) twit next door; which is where I need your help.

Given their astounding record, it’s clear to me that they could quite easily “carry” someone with the limited talents of my neighbour’s son.  I’m sure they could pop him up front alongside their target man and he could chase the ball all afternoon without causing too much damage to their pursuit of another championship.  Simply put, however, they are unlikely to do that unless there is an influential intervention.

I appreciate, of course, that such matters are a little beneath your sphere of activities.  However, I don’t doubt that you would be able to have a word in an appropriate ear to ensure that the authorities of AFC Newbury were cognisant of their need to widen the appeal of the game to a larger audience (the boy is a bit of a puddin’).

I realise that this would naturally divert attention from significantly more pressing engagements (and I suspect you may well have one or two of those on the horizon) so I contemplated sending fifty quid with my letter to compensate you for your time.  However, my good lady wife rightly asserts that you’re likely to delegate the task to one of your associates; if you’d prefer then, I’ll direct the funds elsewhere, just let me have the account details and I’ll wire the money to the appropriate account.

I know it’s only a small thing for you, but it would be a huge thing for the lad next door and his dad.  Not only that, but it would get the kid out of his garden and onto the pitch at AFC Newbury, meaning he’d stop knocking seven bells out of my fence and dislodging the blossom from my creeping Hydrangea in the process.  That would please me no end.

One last thing, have you considered dispensing with the democratic process at FIFA?  The charade around voting is just a little unseemly, it’s not terribly becoming of an organisation that is so much a reflection of the man who runs it.  Just a thought.

Yours sincerely

Craig Brown
GOM in Training