Mario Balotelli
c/o Liverpool Football Club
Anfield Road
Liverpool L4 OTH
1 October 2014
Dear Mario
I’m sure you can appreciate that, as a Liverpool fan, I was
somewhat disappointed that the team failed to gain a point against Basle
tonight in the Champions’ League.
Bitter pill as that was to swallow however, that is not the
reason for my note; what follows has more to do with concerns for your
health.
I noted, during the course of this evening’s game, that you
appear to have a growth atop your head which isn’t perhaps entirely natural.
I have done some considerable research on this phenomenon
and can only conclude that you have developed a nasty fungal infection leading
to the ivory colouring coursing the centre of your bonce.
Further investigation has revealed that your disfigurement
has probably emerge as a result of immobility; borne of your natural tendency
to remain stationary during the course of a football match. There are some nasty airborne infections one
can acquire when stood motionless in the open air for prolonged periods and I
would hazard that you are more prone than others to be affected given your
regular stasis.
In the interest of your wellbeing, I have consulted with a
number of experts in the field and, universally, they are of the opinion that
if you moved during the course of a game you would not only avoid the fungi
finding refuge on your noodle, but you might also contribute to the team’s
performance; the corollary of which might be to influence a result that is
somewhat more positive than the one I witnessed tonight.
I presume that movement is not a natural state for you and
that you would perhaps benefit from some guidance on how best to do this. May I suggest that you request recordings of
some of last year’s games where you can review the work of Luis Suarez, who
will, l assure you, provide you with a master class in how to perform on a
football pitch. Do however stop short of
adopting his more carnivorous instincts, you’re likely to develop a gastric
complaint if you embrace all of his tendencies.
You may note that many of your teammates are a little less
static than you and also, that none of them have been similarly afflicted. May I propose that you follow their lead,
move about a bit and see what unfolds? I
suspect that not only will you manage to shed the fungus, but you may also find
yourself part of a team capable of delivering more favourable results.
For the sake of my health, I beg you to do
this. The increases to my blood pressure
that your lack of effort engenders is of considerable concern to my nearest and
dearest.
Yours sincerely
Craig Brown
GOM in Training
Having been a tad critical of the boy Balotelli in my recent letter to the lad, I was a touched surprised to find a response sitting on my doorstep a few days ago.
