Balotelli's fearsome fungi

Mario Balotelli

c/o Liverpool Football Club
Anfield Road
Liverpool L4 OTH

1 October 2014

Dear Mario

I’m sure you can appreciate that, as a Liverpool fan, I was somewhat disappointed that the team failed to gain a point against Basle tonight in the Champions’ League.

Bitter pill as that was to swallow however, that is not the reason for my note; what follows has more to do with concerns for your health.

I noted, during the course of this evening’s game, that you appear to have a growth atop your head which isn’t perhaps entirely natural.

I have done some considerable research on this phenomenon and can only conclude that you have developed a nasty fungal infection leading to the ivory colouring coursing the centre of your bonce.

Further investigation has revealed that your disfigurement has probably emerge as a result of immobility; borne of your natural tendency to remain stationary during the course of a football match.  There are some nasty airborne infections one can acquire when stood motionless in the open air for prolonged periods and I would hazard that you are more prone than others to be affected given your regular stasis.

In the interest of your wellbeing, I have consulted with a number of experts in the field and, universally, they are of the opinion that if you moved during the course of a game you would not only avoid the fungi finding refuge on your noodle, but you might also contribute to the team’s performance; the corollary of which might be to influence a result that is somewhat more positive than the one I witnessed tonight.

I presume that movement is not a natural state for you and that you would perhaps benefit from some guidance on how best to do this.  May I suggest that you request recordings of some of last year’s games where you can review the work of Luis Suarez, who will, l assure you, provide you with a master class in how to perform on a football pitch.  Do however stop short of adopting his more carnivorous instincts, you’re likely to develop a gastric complaint if you embrace all of his tendencies.

You may note that many of your teammates are a little less static than you and also, that none of them have been similarly afflicted.  May I propose that you follow their lead, move about a bit and see what unfolds?  I suspect that not only will you manage to shed the fungus, but you may also find yourself part of a team capable of delivering more favourable results.

For the sake of my health, I beg you to do this.  The increases to my blood pressure that your lack of effort engenders is of considerable concern to my nearest and dearest.

Yours sincerely

Craig Brown
GOM in Training