Mr Sepp Blatter
Fédération Internationale de Football Association
FIFA-Strasse 20
P.O. Box 8044 Zurich
Switzerland
Fédération Internationale de Football Association
FIFA-Strasse 20
P.O. Box 8044 Zurich
Switzerland
29 May 2015
Dear Mr Blatter
Firstly, congratulations on the retention of your presidency
of FIFA. Personally, I’m mightily
pleased; I’m not sure that I could have approached the Jordanian fella with my
issue. He doesn’t look entirely cuddly
and grandfatherly like you do (which, I’d hazard, is probably the secret to
your continued tenure).
Anyway, I hope you don’t mind me writing, but I was out with
my mate from next door this evening; having a couple of pints of Spitfire at
The Woodpecker, when he outlined his dilemma to me; the timeliness of your
re-election, despite some of the scurrilous rumours that surround it, has
prompted me to drop you a line.
My friend has a ten-year-old who is deeply passionate about
the game of football. He’s never out of
the garden, constantly knocking his balls against the fence, pretending he’s
scoring the winner in a World Cup final at Wembley (which as you and I both
know is hardly likely to happen on your watch, but that’s an altogether
different issue). Yet despite his
efforts, he remains resolutely useless.
I’ve seen dachshunds exercise more control over a football than the lad
next door, but I don’t want to break his or his father’s heart in pointing out
the obvious.
The boy is desperate to get a place in the AFC Newbury under
11 squad, but just can’t get a look in. Admittedly,
it’s a very good side; they’ve just won the Under 11 Colts PHYL (Peter Houseman
Youth League) & League Cup "double", the Under 10 League Cup the
year before and another double as Under 9s in 2012-13; nice kids too, they were
also Fair Play Winners that year. But
despite them being lovely, there’s no way they’re going to make room for the
talentless (albeit enthusiastic) twit next door; which is where I need your
help.
Given their astounding record, it’s clear to me that they
could quite easily “carry” someone with the limited talents of my neighbour’s
son. I’m sure they could pop him up
front alongside their target man and he could chase the ball all afternoon
without causing too much damage to their pursuit of another championship. Simply put, however, they are unlikely to do
that unless there is an influential intervention.
I appreciate, of course, that such matters are a little
beneath your sphere of activities.
However, I don’t doubt that you would be able to have a word in an
appropriate ear to ensure that the authorities of AFC Newbury were cognisant of
their need to widen the appeal of the game to a larger audience (the boy is a bit of a puddin’).
I realise that this would naturally divert attention from
significantly more pressing engagements (and I suspect you may well have one or
two of those on the horizon) so I contemplated sending fifty quid with my
letter to compensate you for your time.
However, my good lady wife rightly asserts that you’re likely to
delegate the task to one of your associates; if you’d prefer then, I’ll direct the
funds elsewhere, just let me have the account details and I’ll wire the money
to the appropriate account.
I know it’s only a small thing for you, but it would be a huge
thing for the lad next door and his dad.
Not only that, but it would get the kid out of his garden and onto the
pitch at AFC Newbury, meaning he’d stop knocking seven bells out of my fence
and dislodging the blossom from my creeping Hydrangea in the process. That would please me no end.
One last thing, have you considered dispensing with the
democratic process at FIFA? The charade
around voting is just a little unseemly, it’s not terribly becoming of an
organisation that is so much a reflection of the man who runs it. Just a thought.
Yours sincerely
Craig Brown
GOM in Training
GOM in Training
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