Spoiler alert

There was a time, not so long ago, when if you missed a TV show, you had to get your friends to tell you what happened.  In those days, there was an imperative to have the conversation, so that by next week’s episode, you’d be up to speed.

That changed a little with the advent of video recorders, albeit, only the kids could keep up with their shows, because the adults were clueless about the technology.  For me, this meant that I no longer needed to be the only child in the playground who’d watched ‘Coronation Street’ at the expense of ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ and I finally got to understand why the other boys went doe-eyed when talking about Daisy Duke.

What this also signalled, was the arrival of the spoiler, although back then, we didn’t have a name for it, we just knew we wanted to avoid them.  Admittedly, it has always been the case with movies.  If you didn’t get to see it before the news was out, you’d be bloody livid if someone told you about Vader and Luke in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ or if they revealed the shocker from ‘The Force Awakens’; there were plenty of reports about beatings due to spoilers following that one, happily, they were largely hoaxes (though I wish I could be more categoric).

As technology has evolved, the landscape has changed, and we are now firmly entrenched in the age of the spoiler.  On-demand TV, streaming services and the ability to record multiple channels simultaneously means that there are now an astonishing number of shows available, but with insufficient leisure time to watch them.

Between us, Mrs GOM and I have three lists on the go with 25 different series recommendations, and those are just the ones that people can remember over a pint.  I’ve stopped going to the pub in case I come home with another 36 hours of binge watching ahead of me.

Whilst I say 25, in reality, it’s 23.  ‘The Unforgotten’ was common to all three lists, which by my reckoning must account for a show worth watching, so I suggested to Mrs GOM that we tackle that one next.

  “I’ve already watched it,” she replied.

  “What?  When?”

  “When I was doing the ironing.”

  “But…”  There wasn’t much more I could say really, as a large proportion of the ironing is done on my behalf, however, I have made a note to restrict future shirt purchases to the non-iron variety.

The situation, if not the ironing pile, is only going to get worse.  Wall Street is predicting that Amazon Studios will spend somewhere between $6-8 billion on original content in 2019.  That pales by comparison with what they’re forecasting for Netflix, a whopping $15 billion.  By any accounting, that’s going to result in a hell of a long list of fresh spoilers to avoid.  That said, hopefully they’ll divert some of that cash my way, I’ve got a brilliant idea for a series that would only use a fraction of their budget.  Let them know to give me a shout.

Of course, this week’s little rage doesn’t entirely stem from the number of programmes available to watch, but rather from a couple of spoilers that have emerged following the start of season 8 of ‘Game of Thrones’ (‘GoT’, as distinct from ‘GOM’).

It doesn’t help that Daughter of GOM (D of G) is obsessed with GoT and (failure to exercise parental responsibilities aside) has watched the lot.  Mrs GOM and I, somewhat late to the party, have only just reached episode 1 of season 5, so are doing our best to avoid learning which characters remain alive.

It’s also not entirely helpful that GoT will probably have finished before we even reach the next season, as we’re not allowed to watch it unless D of G is present.  That isn’t so much because she wants to refresh her memory, rather, it’s so she can build upon her private GOM family ‘Gogglebox’ collection by recording our reactions to some of GoT’s more shocking moments and, despite failing to exercise appropriate parental controls over the Wi-Fi connection, we are keen that we limit our time in front of the TV, so that she spends a little more time in front of her text books rather than on the sofa generating content for YouTube.

Additionally, the global simulcast at 2.00am, and D of G’s desire to avoid spoilers the following day, has not made for widespread domestic harmony, nor particularly ideal study conditions for her forthcoming GCSE exams.  Shame there’s not a GoT GCSE, D of G would ace it.

Despite her obsession, it must be said that D of G is at pains to avoid sharing spoilers with us.  The house is regularly filled with unfinished sentences as she realises, mid-conversation, that if she continues she’s potentially going to give the game (of Thrones) away.  Sadly, the same is not the case with the Twittersphere, so with apologies to some of my dearest friends, I’ve unfollowed you on Twitter until the hysteria has ended, although it may be simpler to become a Trappist Monk.  At least that would come with the added benefit that they make a decent beer and it would compensate for not going to the pub.

As I pause for lunch, about to watch episode 11 from season 4 of ‘Breaking Bad’, I reflect that all is not lost.  When scanning my phone for one of the lists of shows, I came across a long-forgotten catalogue that was also compiled during a visit to a pub, the ‘Gin list’.  Now there’s a different form of binge to be getting on with.

Twitter: @GOMinTraining
Copyright © Craig Brown, 2019
4 May 2019