We're doomed

At the merest hint of trouble, Private Frazer was wont to wail, “We’re doomed!”  If John Laurie, the actor that portrayed him in ‘Dad’s Army’, was alive today, I would imagine those words would be getting a fresh airing.

We have a new Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.  The documentary maker behind 'The Life of Boris Johnson', Michael Cockerell, has said that, “when Boris was five, he told his sister Rachel that he wanted to be world king – he thought there was a position where you were king of the world.”

I’m not entirely certain that Boris’ view, or understanding, has changed.

Johnson’s credentials to be PM are, at best, limited.  He began his career in journalism at The Times but was sacked for falsifying a quotation.  He appears to have refined his technique for obfuscation (and outright lying) since then, which depressingly, has led to him becoming leader of the Conservative Party and, by extension, Britain’s 55^th Prime Minister.

Prior to his appointment, he spent just two years in cabinet and is generally regarded as the worst Foreign Secretary the country has ever had, although in one of the first appointments to his new cabinet, he’s given that job to Dominic Raab, which will likely remedy that situation.  Raab is the man who wrestles with the idea that, as an island, we need ports to manage the shipment of goods into the country, famously stating that he "hadn't quite understood" how reliant UK trade in goods is on the Dover-Calais crossing.

Boris had promised the most diverse cabinet ever assembled, so it was a little surprising to learn that the number of women in cabinet posts has reduced from 30% to 26%.  Still, he has appointed Priti Patel, as one of the six ministers that have a BME background, to the role of Home Secretary.  Patel’s Gujarati Indian parents migrated to the UK from Uganda in the 60s, fleeing Idi Amin’s regime.  You would think, therefore, that she might have some sympathy for the plight of asylum seekers, yet she has voted for a stricter asylum system, stronger enforcement of immigration rules and is against banning the detention of pregnant women in immigration jails.  It should also be remembered that she was forced to resign from government two years ago after it emerged that she had held secret, unofficial meetings with Israeli ministers and businesspeople.  She also advocated for the reintroduction of capital punishment, saying on BBC’s Question Time “The point is that [having capital punishment] is a deterrent.  Ethnically diverse?  Yes.  Culturally diverse?  Not so much.

In the interest of balance, and if it were justified, I would pass comment on the record of the members of the cabinet from the LGBT+ community, but there aren’t any.

It's great to see that another woman, Theresa Villiers, has been appointed to the role of Environment Secretary, bringing with her a history of repeatedly voting against measures to prevent climate change.  Her voting record also shows that she is highly supportive of fracking.  Watch that immovable timeline for taking action to save the planet pass us by.

Boris has of course made appointments that preserve the patriarchy, with 58% of his cabinet appointments going to white, middle-aged men.  These include Michael Gove, who’s been appointed to the role of Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, often referred to as the Minister without Portfolio, a role in which he can hopefully do very little damage, having profoundly screwed up education in this country when he was Education Secretary.  I’m guessing that Boris decided to give him that role pretty quickly – keep him sweet but keep him quiet.

The Education post that Gove so artfully mismanaged, has gone to Gavin Williamson and, I suspect, secondary school children across the country are celebrating his appointment.  He’s the fella that Theresa May sacked when he was the Defence Secretary in a row over the leaking of information from the National Security Council.  With Williamson holding the Education portfolio, it should be quite easy for kids to get advance sight of exams papers.

There’s also room for nepotism and sycophancy in this Johnson government.  Jo Johnson, Boris’s brother, though not entrusted with a full cabinet role, has been appointed Minister for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy, and Education, that last, presumably, to keep an eye on Gavin.  Jacob Rees-Mogg, the new Leader of the Commons, couldn’t have licked more backside in his tweeted support of Boris in the run up to his coronation, unless of course your yardstick for measurement is Lynn Truss, the new International Trade Secretary, who bested Rees-Mogg in the love-in.  Their tweets amounted to the primary school equivalent of “Pick-me, pick-me, I’ll be your best friend”.

There are other pockets of toxicity, most notably NOT in the cabinet.  Dominic Cummings has been appointed by Boris as his senior adviser.  His role has remarkable equivalency to the Donald Trump:Steve Bannon nexus that so polarised the US in the early days of Trump’s presidency.  Cummings was Gove’s adviser when he held the Education post and the campaign director for the Vote Leave campaign, which was found to have broken electoral law over spending limits by the Electoral Commission.  He was also held in contempt of Parliament for failing to respond to a summons to appear before, and give evidence to, the Culture, Media and Sport select committee.  Former Prime Minister, David Cameron, once described him as a "career psychopath".  Great choice Boris – clearly Cummings is a man of real character.

Of course, on this very black day, there is the joyous news that Boris hasn’t given a post to Chris Grayling, who’s time at the Justice Department was so astonishingly bad that Michael Gove had to come in and fix the mess; scrapping a prisoner tracking scheme, a prisoner book ban, legal aid cuts, court fees and a training deal with Saudi Arabia.  That was nothing when compared to his time at Transport where he awarded a £14m ferry contract to a ferry firm with no ferries and oversaw a disastrous train timetable launch that caused months of disruption for millions of passengers with MP Grahame Morris calling for him to quit saying, “The Transport Secretary isn’t fit to run a model railway.”  When last seen, Mr Grayling was found asking on which side of the house he needed to sit in the Commons.  The bus driver he was asking wasn’t sure.

Boris has been quoted as saying “My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.”  I hope those words don’t prove to be prophetic.  It remains to be seen whether Boris and his colleagues can unite the country as he has promised.  Many of his critics say he is divisive and unprincipled, though tellingly, Nigel Farage, leader of The Brexit Party would be quite happy to form an electoral pact with him, but qualified his comments by adding “I don't believe a single word the Conservative Party tells us.”  Wonderful grounds for a trusting alliance.

Perhaps instead, we should reflect on the words of US president, Donald Trump, who in his characteristically eighth-grade English said, “They say Britain Trump, they call him Britain Trump”.  I’m sure Boris considers that a resounding endorsement from a mendacious, bigoted, racist, homophobic, dishonest, narcissistic, bullying, misogynist.

Those not prepared to support Johnson include Jo Swinson, the newly elected leader of the Liberal Democrats, who, on 25 July, called for Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Opposition, to support her by calling for a vote of no confidence, knowing that the 25^th is the final date that the motion can be called if there is any chance of a general election occurring before the 31 October deadline for Brexit.  The Labour party immediately rejected the motion, describing it as “childish and irresponsible game-playing by the Lib Dems” – like Johnson, Corbyn too, is unfit to lead.  Worryingly, whilst its Political Editor, Laura Kuenssberg, tweeted the news, the BBC chose not to mention it on its website, failing to report on what should be considered a significant event on the first day of Johnson’s premiership.

As a reminder that we may well have our own form of Trump as leader of the country, albeit a somewhat better educated and more eloquent version, I shall leave the last word, and a reminder of his guile, to Boris himself, who once stated that “My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.”

Hmm …

Twitter: @GOMinTraining
Copyright © Craig Brown, 2019
26 July 2019